It is not easy to survive a break up. Not when there are still very strong feelings for your ex at the surface. Sometimes, these feelings just can’t be put away somewhere and forgotten about, especially when there is unfinished business between you both.
Some experts in mental health have compared breaking up to the grief of someone close passing away. Many of the symptoms and stages that we go through in a split-up are very similar to grieving for someone close dying. In a way, that is what a break up is, a death.
In order to survive a break up and live through it, it is important to come to terms with the loss and move on. This may sound easy, but moving on can be a very difficult thing to do. If it’s a marriage and children are involved, the break up takes on “larger than life” proportions.
It’s not just you and your ex going through the break up, the children are very affected also. Friends and family also are touched by the split-up. Sometimes friends and family are expected to choose sides. Blame is sought out. It almost seems as if some people need to place blame to survive a break up, but it’s not about blame. Blame is always a cold comfort to crawl into bed with at the end of the day. The break up is always about survival in the wake of the aftermath.
Nothing is ever truly lost. Anything is possible if you need something bad enough. In fact, if you want something bad enough, then it is usually worth fighting for. There are workable ways to get an ex back and have things work out.
If getting your ex back is something that you truly wish to work toward, then there are some real hard questions that you need to go over before making this kind of decision.
Is there still love between you and your ex? Was the break up over infidelity? Is there another love interest in your life or your ex partner’s? Was there physical or emotional abuse present? Was addiction to drugs or alcohol or any other addictions causing problems in the relationship?
These are the tough questions that need to be looked at with a lot of honesty. There are probably a few more questions you could throw onto this list, but you probably get the point.
In order to get ex back and have it work, you need to look at the problems in the relationship that led up to the break up. If you simply ignore the real issues and get back together, then nothing would have changed. You could expect another break up to happen again very soon.
All things being equal, if you want to get your ex back, you will have to take some steps in that direction. As an example: Let’s do lunch!
1. Contact your ex with regards to setting a lunch date to catch up.
Lunch is more casual than dinner. You want this to be casual and easy going so it does not feel threatening to your ex or yourself. This is a first contact, so go slow and easy.
2. Be honest, but not needy. Be upbeat, but not over the top.
Try to keep the lunch date steady and even. You don’t really want to fall into old patterns and have an argument erupt, scaring the other diners. This lunch date is to test the waters, not to try to make the big splash!
3. Tell your ex how good they are looking and be casually upbeat while catching up.
Be interested in what the ex is doing now. Be a good listener and make eye contact. Put your ex at ease as best as you are able too. Above all, don’t try to be someone else, be yourself in good behavior.
4. Let your ex know you miss him or her.
It is a good idea to at least let your ex know what is on your mind. If love is still present, your ex will listen to you. Let your ex know that you are working at changing, etc. It is very important to convey to your ex that you want to work toward re-establishing a relationship. Work out some of the problems that were present from before.
If you are a man, understand this: most women will stray from the relationship or leave it because they feel they were not appreciated. It is very important to let your ex wife or girlfriend know you do appreciate them and you are working at expressing your feelings more openly.
The best tip anyone can give you to get your ex back into your life is to be open and honest and very willing to change. You really can’t expect anything to work out again if the two of you can’t make some changes from the way things were before. It’s a simple answer, but can be a lot of work.
Some people will use jealousy as a ploy to get the ex interested again. Is this ethical or honest? It might just work if your ex thinks you are playing the field and dating a lot. Will it be enough to keep your ex this time around?
In the end, if you decide to get your ex back into your life, don’t expect things to be as before. Also, don’t expect to fix everything overnight. Change can be a slow process to work toward.
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This article was contributed by Dade. one of SurviveABreakup.com Blog subscribers. He hopes that this could be helpful to those of you who are in a breakup and looking for ways to get back with your ex.
Thank you so much Dade for sharing these tips and insights.
Eric
The Magic of Making Up
We’ve been talking about getting back together with your Ex, and today I want to share some of the lessons I’ve discovered in the powerful guide